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The Official News of the
Hoffman Boston Woodlawn Rotisseri League

Defenestrators May Leave Ballston; Intercourse Likely

April 17, 2001 (AP)--The Defenestrator ownership conglomerate (World Domination, Inc., a division of Time-Warner-AOL) can neither confirm nor deny the rumors circulating regarding the Ballston Defenestrators' possible move from Ballston to Intercourse, Pennsylvania, in the heart of Amish country.

It is true that the Amish are less likely to defenestrate, which would make the fan base in Intercourse more stable than the rapidly deteriorating population in Ballston. But the Amish Defenefans are a reportedly rowdy bunch and tend to drink lots of sweet sassy molassy before every game at carriage tailgate parties and quilting circles, which increases the ballclub's liability insurance. "Vee vould not drink so much, vee promise, englishman," claimed Jacob Von der Aaardaahar, an Intercourse resident and molassy farmer.

Inside sources claim that the Defenestrators have already begun removing the buttons and zippers from their uniforms, making the move to Intercourse more likely. Asked for his take on the situation, Defenestrator Pitcher Goose Gossage said, "Intercourse is great. I love Intercourse. Especially in Pennsylvania." The Defs may be hoping that Intercourse will turn their otherwise sterile season around.

"Ballston is great and all, but it's not Intercourse. I understand Intercourse is awesome this time of year, very pleasant, not too hot, not too wet," added Johnny Bench, "but don't get me wrong -- if Intercourse gets hot and wet, I can handle it. I just hope my knee doesn't give out because of the humidity." Where humidity, according to a Defs spokesman, rhymes with "who's-your-daddy."

The move is not without criticism. Pausing from beating his son Samuel over the head with a corncob pipe, Jeremiah Auf der Von der Bobel of Intercourse explained, "Many of us zink zat zose Defenestrators can keep their english arses in zat yuppie hellhole called Ballston. Vat kind of a stupid name is zat for a township anyvay - Ballston? Vee Intercoursers are proud of our town and vay of life and don't vant no sucky hbwrl team coming here." Mr. der Bobel then returned to smacking Samuel with the corncob pipe.